How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
