I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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