i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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