I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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