It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Someone stole a lamp last night.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
