I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
