i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
