When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
