I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
