Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
