If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
