I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
