I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
