my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
