Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i will never coherently bang her
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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