when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
