The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize