You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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