I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
