He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
