man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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