i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
