I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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