Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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