i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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