Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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