He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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