her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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