her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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