my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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