i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Sorry about my life...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
