I need to stop coming to work sober
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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