Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
you would pick up someone in the library
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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