ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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