I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
