Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My bed smells like the plague
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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