I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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