it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
