I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
