I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
