Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
