There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
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if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
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By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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