He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
