my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
how drunk are you?
Several
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
