i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
