God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think I died a long time ago.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
