Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
