Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
