i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
