If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
