I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
