I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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