I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
