I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
