I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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