I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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