I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
