The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
