Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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