I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
one might say we're banned from that church
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
NoShamevember. You game?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
