those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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