That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
