Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
